What informal care teaches us

My mother is 83 years old, though she’s young at heart and still jokes that she’s finally turned 20 – as opposed to her eternal 18.

I recently returned to Serbia after thirty years of living in Asia. My parents have grown older, and the distance between us – stretched across time zones and rare visits – taught us all to take care of ourselves in our own ways.

Lately, I’ve been visiting them more often, trying to make up for lost time and, of course, to offer my support.

But something strange started to happen:

“Don’t wash the dishes, you don’t need to go to the store, leave that – I’ll do it.” Soon, I realized I wasn’t exactly skilled at giving help.

Care, I understood, isn’t always simple – even when it comes from the deepest love.

This morning, as I drank coffee with my mother, I showed her the Nana Prime page. She looked at it, then at me – a bit puzzled. When she visits the doctor, they always tell her she’s a “vital woman.” It was as if I surprised her just by mentioning a caregiver, at a time when she still wants to stay in control of everything. Still, I continued, and together we read the description:

• Help with daily activities – dressing, moving around, maintaining personal hygiene
• Household maintenance – preparing light meals, basic cleaning, shopping
• Social and emotional support – conversation, walks, reading, games
• Health supervision – reminders for medication, communication with doctors

We concluded that she doesn’t yet need help with daily activities and that she has already found her own ways to manage heavier household tasks. But when we came to the section on social and emotional support, I looked at her and said, “That’s what I give you.” She laughed – and then, quite seriously, asked how much she owed me.

That was the first moment we both truly felt how essential this part of care is - emotional connection, conversation, presence - just as important as physical assistance.

What Science and Practice Say About Informal Care

Changing Family Roles and Intergenerational Relationships

Caregiving often changes family dynamics: the parent who once cared for their children becomes the one in need of care. Research on informal caregivers in Serbia highlights the importance of maintaining the care recipient’s independence and self-respect, as these preserve dignity and a sense of purpose.

The Emotional Aspects of Care

Caregivers often experience feelings of helplessness, guilt, loneliness, and sadness - especially when they cannot help as much as they wish. Care is not a technical task but a process of learning — how to remain present even when we don’t have all the answers.

Caregivers’ Rights and the Need for Self-Care

The I, the Informal Caregiver guide, published by the Red Cross in 2023, clearly states that caregivers have the right:

• to make mistakes,
• to get tired and take time for themselves,
• to say “no,”
• and to be recognized as an essential part of the family system.

This means that emotional support is not a luxury but a basic need - for both the caregiver and the older person. Caring for another should never mean losing care for oneself.

Psychosocial and Community Support

Support groups and self-help programs for caregivers have proven to be key in preserving mental health - they reduce isolation and strengthen the sense of belonging. On a micro level, this support happens in the smallest moments - like having morning coffee with your mother. In those moments, shared daily life becomes a space for mutual understanding and connection.

The Positive Side of Care

Although challenging, informal caregiving often brings unexpected gifts. As research shows, caregiving can lead to discovering one’s inner strengths, deepening empathy, and strengthening relationships.

Final Thought

Our morning coffee was a small but profound reminder: care doesn’t begin with washing dishes - it begins with being present. And perhaps that very presence, that shared moment of laughter and understanding, is the most important form of care that exists.

Prepared by Dalida Turkovic